Simplu fericit

Francisco si Hank:

“Te lovesc ca un om cu un complex de inferioritate mizerabila?”

“Bunule Dumnezeu, nu!”

“Numai acest tip de barbat isi petrece viata alergand dupa femei.”

“Ce vrei sa spui?”

“Va amintiti ce am spus despre bani si despre barbatii care incearca sa inverseze legea cauzei si efectului? Barbatii care incearca sa inlocuiasca mintea prin apucarea produselor mintii? Ei bine, omul care se dispretuieste incerca sa castige stima de sine din aventuri sexuale – ceea ce nu poate fi facut, deoarece sexul nu este cauza, ci un efect si o expresie a simtului pentru propria persoana a valorii sale. “

„Ar fi bine sa explici asta”.

“Did it ever occur to you that it’s the same issue? The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think—for the same reason—that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one’s mind, choice or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you—just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment—just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!—an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience—or to fake—a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer—because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to … What’s the matter?” he asked, seeing the look on Rearden’s face, a look of intensity much beyond mere interest in an abstract discussion.

“Go on,” said Rearden tensely.

“He does not seek to gain his value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body. But the man who is convinced of his own worthlessness will be drawn to a woman he despises—because she will reflect his own secret self, she will release him from that objective reality in which he is a fraud, she will give him a momentary illusion of his own value and a momentary escape from the moral code that damns him. Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives—and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values—and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to values, but in response to flaws—and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure. Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex—nothing but shame.”

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, p. 455 – 456

Has any one read this book before? This excerpt has piqued my interest. I’ve been trying to figure out what sex means to me, how I think people value sex, and how one may judge someone else based on sex.

My sister gave me some advice as I was giving her the details of everything that bothers me with a guy-

You’re a grown woman. You repeat all these situations and although I recognize your point of view is skewed and I don’t fully know him, what are you looking for me to tell you that you don’t already know? I think the issue is that you recognize that this isn’t a relationship, yet you have issues with accepting the fact that you’re in the relationship just for sex. You don’t want to be associated with the stigma that women who do this are sluts.

I think it would have hurt to hear this a year ago, but I couldn’t help but crack a smile with her candid and on-point remarks.

With most casual relationships, I always sought to make it more than it was- falling for the “fake spark,” and thinking that it would be different. This was one of the first times though where I went in with the mindset that this was nothing. With my casual relationship experience, I’d be able to spot it and run with it. But with this, there was something about the way he looked to connect with me after, the sensuality of it that made me once again think that this was different. Or most likely– I had been fooling myself all along, deep down thinking– this would be the exception.

Este conceptul ca exista un print fermecator acolo – ideea de basm pe care orice fata / femeie inca o are in spatele mintii ei si ca barbatii vor prada. De asemenea, este ideea ca pentru a fi demna, o femeie trebuie sa aiba standarde. Pe baza modului in care m-am privit si cum am judecat calitatea personajului meu, mi-am dorit atat de rau sa ma conving pe mine si pe toata lumea incat nu voi dormi cu nimeni doar pentru sex. A trebuit sa fac ceva din asta – chiar daca insemna o rationalizare extrema pana la fabricarea. Si in timp ce incerc sa fac asta, sunt sigur ca este un impuls de ego mare pentru tipul care o vede pe fata care se straduieste sa creeze acest sentiment de ceva – vai, ea trebuie sa fie atat de mare in mine . . trebuie sa gandeasca.

Nu am vorbit prea mult – si nu am avut hobby-uri similare – am gasit cartea mea preferata in apartamentul sau „Scrisori catre un tanar poet” si m-am entuziasmat pana am mormait mai departe si am gasit o carte despre Sfaturi si trucuri pentru a alege femeile. . Si treptat, am acumulat aceste neconcordante cu locul in care spunea ca era vineri si nu-si aminteste de locurile in care am mers impreuna si gandindu-ma ca i-am intalnit pe prietenii lui cand nu am facut-o si despre felul in care ne vom desparti si niciodata nu ne vom face planuri pentru data urmatoare.

Intr-o graba pasiva, agresiva, l-as numi pe anumite lucruri si am glumit pe jumatate, asteptand reactia sa. Anul trecut, cu tipul cu care eram, el ar fi aprins gazul – deviat – apoi m-a demis ca „te gandesti prea mult”. A fost groaznic de cand am inceput sa-l cred serios. Anul acesta, acest tip a observat micile jaburi, dar va ramane tacut si apoi va schimba subiectul – si nu as apasa. Cred ca ceea ce ma asteptam sa faca era sa intrebe de ce as spune asta si sa ma intrebe daca ceva nu este in regula, lucru pe care nu l-a facut niciodata (stiam in profunzime ca poate citi situatia asa cum o precizasem eu, dar a ales sa devieze in tacere si am ales las sa nu vorbesc mai departe).

Acesta a fost procesul – si nu l-am intrebat niciodata unde se intampla asta – intotdeauna sustinand ca este prea greu sa-l punem in discutie. Aceasta a fost o alta minciuna pentru mine. Stiam ca, indiferent de raspuns, nimic nu va anula toate lucrurile pe care le-a gresit. Daca ma aflam in pantofii lui si ma confundam cu ce fata eram si conversatiile pe care le purtam si aveam sentimentul ca ea a fost la mine, iar apoi m-a intrebat daca vreau sa fiu in relatie cu ea, eu cred ca as scrie-o ca intarziata.

M-am luptat recent cu cele doua galeti pe care as clasifica toate perspectivele de intalnire: (1) Rezumat atractiv (2), dar fara atractie. Se pare ca sunt extrem de simplificant – dar persoana mea ideala ar fi (3) atragatoare, atragatoare intelectual, CV mare, valori similare. Nu exista nicio galeata pentru ca nu am gasit o astfel de persoana. Cealalta galeata pe care nu am mentionat-o este toata lumea care nu trece testul primelor date.

Incercand sa ma descurc cu cele doua galeti de intalnire – am concluzionat la inceputul acestui an ca atunci cand nu exista nici o scanteie – indiferent de similitudini in valori, in hobby-uri, as putea doar sa vorbesc cu persoana, dar nu chiar sa rup legatura bariera sau sa o conduca oriunde. Prietenul meu mi-a spus ca „scanteia” poate fi generata artificial si nu inseamna deloc mare lucru. „Scanteile” ar putea fi cu adevarat artificiale? Este in Sfaturi si trucuri pentru a ridica cartea femeilor ?? Exista o carte pentru femei care creeaza „scanteie” cu baieti ca am valori si hobby-uri similare, dar fara atractie? Daca da, pare ca chiar trebuie sa ma uit la asta.

Cu galeata atractiva, cand a inceput vara si am intalnit pe cineva super fierbinte, experimentul meu a fost sa folosesc acea scanteie si sa incerc sa o transform in potential de relatie. Am incercat sa identific similitudinile, valorile si hobby-urile dupa ce am confirmat atractia fizica. Ceea ce am invatat a fost ca sunt foarte bun la rationalizare, dar in cele din urma nu a fost nimic din partea conexiunii mentale, emotionale.

Experiment finalizat – Recunosc ca nu va puteti aseza cu unul sau pe celalalt – aveti nevoie atat intelectual / emotional, cat si fizic. Rand ar spune ca este un proces, iar fizicul este o expresie care rezulta din aprecierea capacitatii intelectuale / emotionale a cuiva. Asta a aruncat o cheie suplimentara in istoria mea, facandu-ma sa pun sub semnul intrebarii masurarea relatiilor din trecut si ceea ce este considerat suficient pentru succes. Cred ca Ayn Rand ar numi probabil experienta mea „mizeria urata pe care majoritatea barbatilor o fac din viata lor sexuala — [plina] de mizeria contradictiilor pe care o detin ca filosofie morala”.

Si cred ca urmatoarea mea intrebare ar fi — toata lumea are probleme atat de mari in a converti perspectivele de intalnire in relatii / iubire? Simt ca exista unii oameni care sunt intotdeauna in relatii .. . si in timp ce nu toti sunt perfecti .. . unii oameni sunt mult mai orientati catre relatii decat altii. Daca acesta este cazul, pot fi dezvoltate trasaturile sau baza pentru asta?